Two Years, Twenty Years and everything in between.


WordPress informed me that it’s been two years since my last post. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised as lazy as I am. I felt the need to finally post something. I don’t know how interesting it will be. I’m sitting on the side of Kyle’s twin bed as he lies sleeping. The television is on and I’m half watching Jessica Jones on Netflix. It’s not that I am not interested. I am very much interested. I just need to purge I guess. Perhaps I shouldn’t do so online, however I have stopped giving a fuck about some things. I’m at my boyfriends house. His name is Kyle and we knew each other in high school. I’m struggling with things concerning my Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve tried to be very upfront with Kyle about my mental health/illness. I’ve tried to approach things much differently than I did with Leland. I don’t ever want to go through what I did with him. I’ve tried to learn, to grow, to be better. To never put myself in such a tailspin that I do what I did then. Yet, today, things got a little too close. I have the scorch marks. It’s me. I’m a piece of shit. I was trying another attempt at communicating certain things to him. I failed miserably. The entire day ended up being one huge roller coaster with me being the narcissistic asshat. Yet, as I sit here, wanting to cry but I can’t. I’ve cried myself out today. I tried telling Kyle about me. I’ve tried to help him. A lot of times he wouldn’t respond. Sometimes he would just say he didn’t know what to say. Rarely a conversation about it that didn’t include me rambling and him just sitting there. He hasn’t asked many questions nor really said much of anything. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. So, today, when he again ignored my attempts to help him understand me, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I can’t do this feeling of rejection. When I tried to express this it blew up in my face. I tried telling him I was hurt and he replied with how terrible I make him feel about himself. I was devastated by that. So now I’ve kind of shut down. I don’t know how to act or what to say. I feel everything I say or do is wrong now. How am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be if being me is so wrong all the time. I’m drowning, again. Will I survive this time? I have to. However, I think I’ll be irreparably damaged when this explodes in my face.
The summer of 2015 marked twenty years since high school graduation. I did not go to the reunion. What would be the point? I doubt there would have been anyone there that remembered me. If they did it wouldn’t have been anything good. I was also terribly afraid that Leland might go. I don’t know if I could have handled that. I don’t ever want to see him again. Thinking about those twenty years, wondering why it took that many years for Kyle and I to come together. I can’t help but wonder if it’s all just headed toward the same place. I don’t want it to. I don’t know how to stop myself sometimes. Once again, I feel like I’m a train wreck waiting to happen. The wreck might wipe out everything this time though.

I’m not dead!


It’s been a long time, a very long time since I’ve posted anything. I’ve thought about it many, many times. I’d have all these great ideas to blog about and I would never do it. Not really sure why. Laziness? Some of it was depression and lack of real interest in anything. Some of it was moving and settling into a new place and then moving again and settling into being in my own place, all alone, excepting the cat, Giblet. Now, I am here in Washington and enjoying this new town I live in. I honestly haven’t been doing much that’s worth even mentioning. However, I’ve been listening to a lot of music again lately and I’ve been getting hooked on some new songs. I say new as in they are new to me. Mostly. With that in mind, I’ve decided to share my recent playlist. There are some fantastic songs on it. There’s also a few that will be an acquired taste. Feel free to check them out yourself. I’m not adding videos or links. I’m too lazy to do that. I mean come on, you want me to do the work for you? Just check them out. There’s quite a few I think you’ll find will be worth it. 

1.) Broken Pieces – Apocalyptica featuring Lacey Sturm (of Flyleaf)

2.) S.O.S (Anything But Love) – Apocalyptica featuring Cristina Scabbia

3.) The Funeral – Band of Horses

4.) If I Didn’t Know Better – Nashville Cast 

5.)Collide – Howie Day

6.) Everybody’s Watching Me – The Neighbourhood

7.) Cough Syrup – Young the Giant

8.) 20 Years – The Civil Wars

9.) Afraid – The Neighbourhood

10.) Come A Little Closer – Cage the Elephant

11.) Fall For You – Secondhand Serenade

12.) Fade Into You – Nashville Cast

13.) How – The Neighbourhood

14.) Lucky – Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

15.) The Lonely – Christina Perri

16.) I Don’t Care – Apocalyptica

17.) Not Strong Enough – Apocalyptica featuring Brent Smith

18.) Love You Strongly – Amy Stroup

19.) Hope – Apocalyptica 

20.) Hope Vol 2 – Apocalyptica

21.) I’d Rather Be With You – Joshua Radin

22.) Gimme Sympathy – Metric

23.) Say (All I Need ) – OneRepublic

24.) Tragedy – Christina Perri

 

 

They are the wheel that makes my world turn


I’m here with my noodles. My wonderful babies. Oh how I missed them! They have grown so much. I’ve often doubted the decision I made. Being so far from them is so hard and so hurtful. Being here with them is glorious and wonderful. I know, however, that whether I am here or not they are being taken care of. They are healthy and thriving. They live in a stable home. They are getting more then what I can give them on my own. They have a father that loves them very much and does his best. Same with their step mom. That doesn’t mean they don’t need me, they do. It just means that I know that as hard as it was, I was right not to drag them to Ohio with me. They are much better off being here. I am impatient to be back this way though and be closer to them. It hurts to not see their faces for so long. Tay is becoming quite the teenager, and Ten has grown at least 4 inches or more since I saw them in September. I am sitting here listening to them while Tay does homework and Ten is playing with my phone. I am here at their dad’s house with them. He is sleeping and their step mom is gone. She left their baby sister with me who is sick with the flu. Some people might think that it is weird. Maybe it is, but I don’t think so. I mean with all the times they helped me out, I can at least take care of their sick girl while hanging out with my own kids. Their dad works graveyard and their step mom works for It Works! (I just joined as a distributor myself). She had a party she had to do tonight so I said since I was staying here with my girls anyway to leave their sister here as well. Poor girl has been vomiting all night. Which I’m not exactly great with, even though you’d think I’d be a pro. With two kids of my own, plus younger siblings, I should be no stranger to it. In fact, I should be immune to it. I am not. I used to have to take care of my baby sister when she was little. For a long time she had a problem keeping food down a lot. I used to clean up after her often. My Mom couldn’t do it, she’d start in too. Even though I would gag a lot, I had no choice. I was better than my mom, she couldn’t handle it at all. Well, it’s late, I want sleep so I can be rested for my cuties!

Song of the Lonely Mountain


Song of the Lonely Mountain

I can’t get this song out of my head, still. I bought it on itunes because I loved it so much. Really, is it a surprise? It shouldn’t be to anyone who knows me. When I first heard it again after seeing the movie, I will admit to being a tad weepy. Neil Finn went above and beyond anything I imagined. He’s an excellent voice for this, not to mention his other talents he used to help shape this incredible tune. I am Including the lyrics as well. Enjoy!

Far over the Misty Mountains rise
Leave us standing upon the heights
What was before, we see once more
Our kingdom a distant light

Fiery mountain beneath the moon
The words unspoken, we’ll be there soon
For home a song that echoes on
And all who find us will know the tune

Some folk we never forget
Some kind we never forgive
Haven’t seen the back of us yet
We’ll fight as long as we live
All eyes on the hidden door
To the Lonely Mountain borne
We’ll ride in the gathering storm
Until we get our long-forgotten gold

We lay under the Misty Mountains cold
In slumbers deep and dreams of gold
We must awake, our lives to make
And in the darkness a torch we hold

From long ago when lanterns burned
Till this day our hearts have yearned
Her fate unknown the Arkenstone
What was stolen must be returned

We must awake and make the day
To find a song for heart and soul

Some folk we never forget
Some kind we never forgive
Haven’t seen the end of it yet
We’ll fight as long as we live
All eyes on the hidden door
To the Lonely Mountain borne
We’ll ride in the gathering storm
Until we get our long-forgotten gold
Far away from Misty Mountains cold

Holidays


I realize I haven’t been great about posting here. I guess, I just don’t think I have anything really interesting to post sometimes. Often, I think about something I’m going to post and I either never do it or change my mind. Or, I just think, no that’s stupid, not going to post that. *Shrug* Right now, it’s been hard wanting to post because of the holidays. So many people deal with so much pain around this time that mine just seems so trivial. There are people who have it far worse off than I do and it seems ridiculous for me to whine and complain when there are worse things I could suffer. Take Thanksgiving for example. I was really depressed and did not want to go anywhere. J’s parents had invited me for Thanksgiving and I had told him I would go. When the day came though, I had a really hard time making myself go. I just wanted to hide under the covers or watch T.V. I didn’t want to paste on a smile and pretend I was happy. I wasn’t happy. I wanted my kids. I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my children and I was determined to be miserable since I was unable to. I was vaguely aware that this was a crappy attitude to have, but I didn’t care. I still don’t. I’m aware of what that means. I’m aware that I have so much more than others. It’s not that I don’t care or feel empathy or sympathy towards others worse off than me. It’s simply that, I still want to be sad about not being with my kids during the holidays and I refuse to pretend to be happy if I can’t. The only thing that would really make me happy is to just be with them. Selfish attitude aside, I’m still human. Rational or not, I still have feelings.

Regardless, I went to J’s parents house. I tried to be somewhat happy. I tried to express that this was a hard time for me without the kids. They were very understanding. Then in the middle of dinner, as I was thinking about how different this was and how much I missed Thanksgiving with my own family and my kids, something happened. A comment was made and then it hit me. J’s brother in law had recently lost a sister. Here he was, eating dinner and not making one single sad face or being depressed, but trying to enjoy the meal with his wife, kids and family. While I’m wrapped up in my own despair, I had completely forgotten about his. What a jerk I must have seemed to him. To J’s entire family. At least my kids and my family are alive. He’s lost his sister. She’s no longer in this world. How devastating this time of year must be for his family. I’m a heel. I’m the blister on a heel. I have such a crappy attitude sometimes. I wish I could say that this turned my life around and now I’m going to change for the better and be thankful for what I have. I will be thankful for what I have. I also know that I’m still going to be sad about not being with my kids during the holidays. I’m still going to miss them terribly and I’ll still get depressed about it. I will not whine and complain about it to every one who will listen any more. I might still talk about it here, I might mention it on facebook, but I’m not going to go around telling everyone and anyone with ears how horrible it is. I can’t keep doing that. I have also decided that since I can’t fake it and I can’t pretend, it might be a good idea to skip the family Christmas time with J’s family. It’s not fair to them, and I don’t want to spoil their time. J’s brother in law has a very strong character. He seems to have a lot of emotional strength. Strength, I know I don’t have. Why should he have to listen to my misery? Even if I don’t say anything, I know that I have an extremely hard time hiding my emotions from my face and body language. I’m just not that good. I’ve been trying to get J to understand this but he doesn’t. I know he thinks that it would be best for me to just suck it up and go. I disagree.

I still hide.


Today, was J’s birthday. We didn’t do a lot today though and I’m feeling bad about that. I had wanted to do something more for him. I did paint him a picture. It’s no masterpiece, but I think he likes it. I also made him meatloaf for dinner and we watched The Raven. It wasn’t too terrible of a day, I wish it had been more though. At least we still have Thursday. We are going to the art museum and then to enjoy Indian food with our friends. Those are his actual birthday plans, we were not able to do them today. That’s the mini update.

;

On another topic, I’ve realized that I still hide so much of my self. It’s so exhausting. I just want to be me. It seems that when I let everything go and am being myself, I get kicked in the teeth for it. I just want to ‘let it all hang out’ so to speak. I don’t want to care what anyone else thinks. I don’t want to try to live my life to other people’s standards. I do though. Important people. Family, close friends. I don’t understand why there are others that want me to live or act to their expectations, yet the don’t feel the need to live up to my standards. That’s the thing though. I don’t tell them how to live their lives, I just ask to be allowed to live mine without the constant negativity. They shun me for wanting to make my own choices, my own mistakes? The shun me because I don’t want to conform to what they think is okay? I don’t act, think or feel the way they do. I can’t. For one, I’m a different person. Two, my brain doesn’t work the same way. They don’t want to recognize this though. They just want to say, “She’s a bad person.” I just want to love them and have them love me. I get they get upset or hurt by things I have done to them. I’ve apologized for a lot, and many times. I’ve tried to acknowledge my mistakes and the bad things I’ve done. I am still waiting for my apologies. I’m still waiting for someone to say, hey you know, that was wrong of me and I’m sorry. I’ve tried to apologize, I’ve tried to be better and treat them the way they should be treated. I’m sick of feeling like dirt. I’m not dirt. I’m a good person. I make mistakes, I handle things the wrong way, I get angry, I get hurt, I get sad and I get frustrated. And I get really tired of holding things back. I’m sure within 24 hours I’ll get blasted for this post. I just don’t care anymore. I want to be me regardless of who likes me or not. I’m tired of hiding my feelings in order to be “appropriate” or to live up to what others expect of me. I want to be open and honest, I want to tell people the truth and not tip toe around their feelings. That doesn’t mean I want to be disrespectful. I’m still trying to learn how to do that. I’m so sick of not telling people how I really feel because I’m too cowardly. If they get angry, they get angry. Again, that’s not to say that I’m going to go around being nasty and cruel. There’s a balance. My cousin E knows how to keep that balance. She does a pretty good job of not hurting my feelings but is still mostly honest with me. Sometimes, she does hold things back. She knows I’m sensitive and she’s not malicious. I know I’m really rambling here, but hey, I never claimed I could write in a neat, concise manner. My point is that it’s time for me to quit making excuses and quit hiding in order to try to please people. I’m a giant screw up whose made numerous HUGE mistakes. So what? Life goes on. I’m doing my best to be a better person and every day I keep trying. Sometimes, you just have to let go.

My other home


It’s been a week since I returned to Ohio. There were some things I was glad to come back to. J and the Otto puppy. M & M, P & C. Book club, my bed, my things. It is always comforting to see my stuff and be in my space. Saying good-bye to my noodles was awful. It hurt so much and I shed a lot of tears. It was so wonderful, though, to hold them in my arms again, to kiss their faces. It’s one thing to see them on video when we Skype and another to actually get to hold them in my arms. I am grateful that I can call them or video chat with them. It’s not the same though as having them sit right next to me or crawl up in my lap. They are older now, but they still crawl into my lap. The oldest noodle may not ever admit how much she loves her momma in public but she does. And I know it and that’s all that really matters. Since she is a teen now, I don’t expect her to flaunt her love for me wherever. That’s okay. She still lets me know how much she loves me in so many other ways. Te still doesn’t care who sees her hug her Mom. She’ll kiss me and hug me no matter where we are, for now at least. I had lunch with her at school at she held my hand, hugged me and showed everyone that she’s still a momma’s girl and didn’t care one bit. Then again, she’s also suffered a lot more from teasing and other kids being cruel than Ta has. She’s still such a sensitive little one though. She doesn’t understand jokes or playing around. She takes it all to heart. She’s just like me in so many ways. Ta is like me too, just in different aspects. She has such a sassy and fun spirit. Yes, sometimes, that sass gets her into trouble, but I wouldn’t change her. She glorious just the way she is. I am so anxious to go back with them. It will take time though. There are things that need done before I can move back. Plus with it now being Autumn the soonest I could move back would be Spring. I’ll just have to push through and survive until then.

On another note, it was really great to see some of my family. Although it wasn’t my brothers and sisters, it was pretty close. B & E let me stay with them for most of the time and I was so grateful. I got to spend some time with Z & D and I loved it. Those kids are getting so big! I can’t believe my little McNugget is walking and trying to talk. He’s so adorable. He’d go and get his shoes and take them to his Dad and then point at the door and jabber on. Z let me sleep in her bed and she was so sweet about it. She kept worrying about waking me up and I would tell her not to, that it was okay if she woke her Gus Gus up (Gus is part of an old family nickname, but she’s always called me Gus Gus). She’s so big and she’s even more intelligent. That girl will go far in academics.

I also spent a few nights with C & E and their four kids. I got to meet baby S for the first time! What a joy that was! He’s such an adorable baby. Miss L is still my little Pickle Beans! I love that girl! E & T were also very happy to see me. They are two wonderful children. T has such a HUGE heart and E is so much fun. I let them do the “take-down” on me. They both call me Gus Gus too now. Even Beans does. I chose an interesting and hectic time to come for this family. They were in the process of moving into a cute house that has a lot more space than their old place. I was so happy for them to finally have some room to spread out. It’s in town and they really don’t have much yard to speak of. That was the downfall. However, I think they’ll be better off in the new house. It has a screened in porch that I was super jealous of. I don’t even have a deck to go out on. I’m happy for them though!

St picked me up from the airport when I first arrived so I got to spend a short amount of time with her and Sc. I cannot believe what a little man T has grown into. He’ll be four soon and he’s so smart. He had me laughing quit a bit at the things he says. I got to meet baby B for the first time as well. Two new babies! Baby B is so sweet. He’s such a cute little boy. I’m very happy for their family. I wish I had been able to spend more time with them.

I know this post is a bit boring for the readers who don’t know me and don’t know the people I am referring to. However, this post is more for myself and for my other family that reads this. They’ll be happy to hear how great everyone is doing. Especially with the new babies, I know people have been wanting an update. Both babies are doing great! They are healthy and happy. Spencer (aka Pence) is so much like his daddy. I couldn’t quite tell who Barrett takes after though. I’d say probably Sc. He has some red in his hair!

It’s late, I’ve had a long and busy day. I must get some sleep now as I have a lot to do tomorrow as well. Homework, house cleaning and some painting to get done. J’s birthday is on the 30th and I want to get some stuff taken care of for his birthday. Have a great week!