WordPress informed me that it’s been two years since my last post. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised as lazy as I am. I felt the need to finally post something. I don’t know how interesting it will be. I’m sitting on the side of Kyle’s twin bed as he lies sleeping. The television is on and I’m half watching Jessica Jones on Netflix. It’s not that I am not interested. I am very much interested. I just need to purge I guess. Perhaps I shouldn’t do so online, however I have stopped giving a fuck about some things. I’m at my boyfriends house. His name is Kyle and we knew each other in high school. I’m struggling with things concerning my Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve tried to be very upfront with Kyle about my mental health/illness. I’ve tried to approach things much differently than I did with Leland. I don’t ever want to go through what I did with him. I’ve tried to learn, to grow, to be better. To never put myself in such a tailspin that I do what I did then. Yet, today, things got a little too close. I have the scorch marks. It’s me. I’m a piece of shit. I was trying another attempt at communicating certain things to him. I failed miserably. The entire day ended up being one huge roller coaster with me being the narcissistic asshat. Yet, as I sit here, wanting to cry but I can’t. I’ve cried myself out today. I tried telling Kyle about me. I’ve tried to help him. A lot of times he wouldn’t respond. Sometimes he would just say he didn’t know what to say. Rarely a conversation about it that didn’t include me rambling and him just sitting there. He hasn’t asked many questions nor really said much of anything. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. So, today, when he again ignored my attempts to help him understand me, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I can’t do this feeling of rejection. When I tried to express this it blew up in my face. I tried telling him I was hurt and he replied with how terrible I make him feel about himself. I was devastated by that. So now I’ve kind of shut down. I don’t know how to act or what to say. I feel everything I say or do is wrong now. How am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be if being me is so wrong all the time. I’m drowning, again. Will I survive this time? I have to. However, I think I’ll be irreparably damaged when this explodes in my face.
The summer of 2015 marked twenty years since high school graduation. I did not go to the reunion. What would be the point? I doubt there would have been anyone there that remembered me. If they did it wouldn’t have been anything good. I was also terribly afraid that Leland might go. I don’t know if I could have handled that. I don’t ever want to see him again. Thinking about those twenty years, wondering why it took that many years for Kyle and I to come together. I can’t help but wonder if it’s all just headed toward the same place. I don’t want it to. I don’t know how to stop myself sometimes. Once again, I feel like I’m a train wreck waiting to happen. The wreck might wipe out everything this time though.
Random Chaos 